How to (try to) stop taking arguments and disagreements personally.

For many years, I felt like I had no control over my emotions. I was extremely reactive to disagreements and arguments. Forgiving and forgetting do come relatively easily to me, but in the heat of the moment, it can be extremely hard for me to think clearly. Needless to say, I was sick of the rollercoaster of emotions I felt like I was tied to.

I came across Tim Ferriss interviewing Dr. Gabor Maté about reframing a challenging moment that really helped me to get a handle on my emotions.

This is what has helped me so far:

1. Assess the core, underlying reason as to why you feel so upset.
   Usually, the crux of the problem lies with a belief you’ve internalized. Imagine you’ve hired a contractor who has not been able to deliver on the agreed contract. You’re angry that they’ve not kept their promise, but you’re probably angry because you feel like they didn’t respect you enough to deliver. You might also be upset because you feel like you don’t deserve respect — which is why this slight is even more upsetting.
2. Remember that there could be a multitude of reasons as to why someone is behaving a certain way.
   Maybe they’ve been unwell or a larger project came in that they had to prioritize financially. This is not the same as giving someone the benefit of the doubt — after all, if you’ve hired someone and they haven’t been able to deliver, it may make sense to decide not to work with them again. Instead, use this as a tool to remember that it’s not usually about you and that this person probably doesn’t mean to disrespect you at all.
3. Default to never taking things personally.
   Just as your brain might jump to taking things personally — you can, theoretically, train your brain to never take anything personally as well. This requires the big, ol’, ‘fake it until you make it’ treatement; but this is one of the situations where it actually works.

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